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Why Do You Want It?
It’s funny how what kids do when they are young (which drives us nuts) is exactly what we need to do in order to answer the question “Why do you want…”
Knowing why we want something or why we are taking an action is important. It tells us what the bigger purpose is.
Humans almost always need a purpose larger than themselves in order to take meaningful action.
But why do we need something bigger than us?
Often meaningful change is painful and it takes a large amount of work. The time leading up to the change actually happening is filled with pressure and uncertainty. We are not sure if we are going to accomplish the goal.
Our culture trains us to exit pressure. We satisfy our pain with food or by purchasing more toys.
When I first got married, this is where I was. Trying to please my wife and make her happy by being the provider. It was what I had been told was the “proper” role for a husband. It didn’t lead to happiness, instead it lead to credit card debt and more stress. So I tried other business ideas, other side hustles, I had dreams of owning my own business and being super successful – IE having money and being happy.
Again, I was tying happiness to money and things. Then I had to face what I was avoiding the whole time.
Responsibility, I was responsible for me. That was the only thing I could control. I couldn’t control her happiness, I was not able to create it for her. I could only control me.
But I couldn’t take responsabliity until I understood why I was buying all the things for my wife. When I had that epiphany I was able to connect the dots and realize that I was acting in a unhealthy way. I had to deal with the emotions of what I had been doing, that I wasnt loving my wife, I was trying to buy her. I was treating her like an object or a thing that I owned.
I had to dig down through the layers of thoughts and emotions to figure out what was the root issue.
“But how do I do this” you might ask…you act like a child and ask..why?
Here is the process:
1. ask yourself “why” do I want X? ex. “I want to lose weight” Why? “I want to look good”
2. Now, ask why again. “I want to look good” Why? “I want people to like me” (notice the imperceptable lie, people dont like people who are overweight)
3. Now, ask why again. “I want people to like me” Why? “I want to have more friends”
4. Ask why again. “I want to have more friends” Why? “I feel alone”
5 Ask Why at least one more time “I feel alone” Why? “No one cares for me”
Now this is an extreme example, but it will get you down to a level of understanding about “why” you want something. It also helps you evaluate your why.
In the example the foundational why isn’t something that the person has control over. It is also a path that will leave you demotivated, depressed, and potentially believing lies about yourself. It is a downward spiral that is hard to pull out of mentally and emotionally.
You cannot control what other people think or feel or how they act. The only thing you can control is you. You need to find a why that you have complete control over.
Here is another example of the same process but staying with answers that you can control
“I want to lose weight” Why? “I want to look good”
“I want to look good” Why? “I want to take care of myself”
“I want to take care of myself” Why? “I am worth taking care of”
“I am worth taking care of” Why? “I am valuable”
“I am valuable” Why? “I have something to contribute and I cannot do it at my current weight”
This is an example of the same process but when we keep the answers to the things we can control (ourselves) all of a sudden we are excited, encouraged, uplifted. We are ready to go out and do something!
This is the effect you need to have when doing this exercise
This exercise may take you a little while to keep your answers to something you can control. My suggestion is to get somewhere quiet and set aside 45 minutes. You may not need all of that time, you may need more, but this is a good starting point.
It may take you 10-15 minutes to just calm your mind. Be patient and allow yourself to relax.
I also suggest you write down all of your answers. This will help you see your progress as well as get the last answer “out” of your head and make room for the next answer.
You can go back to the main list or go to the next step

Know What You Want
Why is it so important to know what we want?
I thought I knew what I wanted when I was a kid. I was about 12 and I just knew what I wanted. I wanted to work in business and make a lot of money.
What I didn’t realize (unfortunately for me) until I was in my late 20’s was just how broad the goal was. I know, I know, but up to that point I was working on all the things I was supposed to in order to succeed. So I graduated with my M.B.A. at the age of 27, had a wife, newborn child. But nobody wanted my skills or my degree.
I applied for jobs for months and months, nobody would hire me for the jobs requiring and MBA because I didn’t have any experience. Nobody would hire me for the entry level jobs that would lead to the MBA job, because I was overqualified.
I was stuck. I felt worthless. Worst of all, I felt like I had wasted all the time and money I had spent on school.
I was in my late 20’s trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up all over again. It was like I was 12 again and I had lost the last 15 years of my goals and work. It was crushing!
So I started on the journey again, trying to piece together what my inherent skills were, what did I want to do?
I was taking certifications, doing trainings, reading books, attending seminars, looking for mentors. I was trying everything I could think of to figure out what I would be good at. Then this one revelation rocked my world.
Had I been so out of touch with myself (I had previously prided myself on how self aware I was, ironic I know). Did I really have this far to go this late in life?
That motivation pushed me towards a multi year journey of trying to “figure it all out.”
How was I going to recover and really find out what I wanted? I started by looking at my history and taking note of the things I did without thinking about them. What were my inherent skills? What did I have instincts for? I loved solving problems, I enjoyed reading people, I really enjoyed combining the two. So I started to look at what it meant and how it could help people. I wasn’t ready to let go of the “business” stuff yet, helping people wasn’t business. So I called it “consulting.” That didn’t work at all.
Needless to say I finally got over my hangups and began to work in the personal development/coaching space. Working with clients to move them towards their own goals and dreams.
Oh, that revelation that rocked my world? Turns out I was always looking for someone else to open a door or provide me with an opportunity. I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own life. I wasn’t making my own decisions. I expected people to recognize my skills and then say “Well there you are, we have been waiting for you, come on in!”
Once I took responsibility for my life, I was on a different path.
Knowing what you want is the first step to taking responsibility. You have to say, out loud, and write down what you want. You have to be specific so you know where you are going. You cannot start a journey unless you know where you are going. If you don’t know where you are going, then you are not able to put your energy into going any direction. You end up with “squirrel syndrome” and your energy is diffused across multiple activities that do not allow you to build up any momentum. Which means there is no compounding (or exponential) effect for your efforts. It’s like taking one step north, one step south, one step east, one step west and then repeat. It’s going to be really hard to get anywhere.
So write down what you want and use as much detail as you can. Specific dollar amounts, number of houses, emotions you would like to feel, accomplishments you would like to make. Write it all down.

Where Are You Today?
Where to start?
Isn’t that the question that dominates new plans?
Often it is the one question that kills an idea before it even gets started. You have been there, you get overwhelmed with the whole project and something as simple as “where to start” derails the entire endeavor.
Why is this question so important? Why does it seem to matter so much?
If we do not know where we are starting, then we have no way of knowing the path needed to get where we want to be.
There is one big mistake that everyone makes when asking themselves where to start. They try to figure out the first step they need to begin to accomplish their task. This skips the important step of knowing where you are starting.
Knowing where we are today, essentially where we are starting from, is the first step to starting anything. When we know where we are starting from we are able to measure how far we have come and how much further we have to go. Our steps can come into focus because we are clear about the reality of where we are today.
I always suggest to my clients to write out a detailed description of what their life or situation looks like today. Write down everything you can think of there is no detail too small. Do I really need to write down that I am married and have 3 children? That seems trivial.
That is part of the trap! The important things in our lives are the constants. The things we tend to take for granted. We tend to think of the big moments as the ones that matter, the ones that make the most difference in our lives. But those large moments are made up of the small ones that lead up to and contribute to that ultimate success. Also, as you write down the details, some other priorities may come into focus. Let’s say you have the realization that you haven’t been spending any time with your kids and you want to change that. There may be adjustments that need to be made to your present before you ever start your new plan. Maybe there are other considerations you haven’t thought of that need to be a part of your plan.
Where are you at today, emotionally, mentally, physically? What are the dominant themes emotionally, mentally, physically? Are you getting enough sleep, how are you eating, are you happy with who you are, are you happy with your body, do you like the person you see in the mirror? Ask yourself these questions about your job, your house, family, etc. How do you feel if you go into the bathroom and stare at yourself in the mirror? What emotions come up? How do you feel if you think about your family, if you stare at your kids or husband?
Your perspective plays a huge role in your ability to make informed decisions. Perspective is your version of reality, so if your perspective is off then your ability to make good decisions is compromised.
Our mindset is another area that is often not based in reality. We adjust our mindset to be ok with the current reality that we are experiencing. So we settle for what normally would cause us great stress at work, but once we accept it the stress level goes down. When we stop “fighting” for ourselves, or what we know is right, or what we feel is “justice” then life all of a sudden becomes so much easier to live with. When you are getting ready to start a new thing you need something/someone to help you open up your mindset and perceive new possibilities.
This exercise will help to inform your mindset and perspective as you move forward with any plan!
You can go back to the main list or go to the next step

Build A Plan
This post will tell you why every plan you have ever built was wrong.
You make a plan for your ideal future. The future that you picture yourself as being happy
Plans are a fickle thing, we want them to be put in stone once they are made. We do not have to continually work if the plan doesn’t need to be adjusted.
Plans have to be allowed to change and adapt as the situation changes. It’s like when we have an ideal situation we want to create, that ideal is only good for the moment. Because as we move through life, as we develop new interests and our ideas change that ideal begins to shift and change.
The ideal is a target that can never be hit because it is always moving.
We plan for the ideal, then we get frustrated when that ideal cannot be realized and we give up on the plan becoming reality.
When building a plan you have to understand the ideal will forever be chased, but never reached. You have to stop measuring the success of a plan on whether or not you achieve the ideal. It is not achievable.
BUT!
If you begin to measure progress this is where true accomplishment comes from. When we are measuring against the ideal we are looking at how far we have to go, when we measure against progress (knowing where we started, full post here) then we can see how far we have come.
The ideal is ever shifting but our progress, once achieved, is set in stone. We cannot change the past, this goes for good and bad. Once we accomplish something good, you cannot change the past.
That’s awesome!
No one can take away from you the accomplishments of your past, think about that for a minute. When we look back on our lives we are trained to think about and remember the things we did wrong. What regrets do you have? I could have done this better. What if you take a minute and think about what did you do right? What accomplishments did you achieve? What was done well? Those things cannot be changed, they are forever set in the stone of your life!
Talk about a mindset shift!
So what are the things that you can actually control in your planning? Do you know?
There is only one thing in life that you have control over and that is you. You have control of your actions, your thoughts, your emotions. If the only thing you have control over is you, then your plan can only have parts that depend on you. Otherwise it is doomed to fail.
When making a plan look at each step in the process that you have created and ask yourself “do I have complete control of this step?” if you do not, then that is not a good step and it needs to be revised to make sure that the step is still accomplished but that you have control over the execution of it.
This is scary for some people, it requires that you take responsibility for the step being accomplished. However, there is good news! “All human growth requires the possibility of failure” – Dennis Peacocke
If you are ready to grow and make your dream a reality, then it is time to take responsibility for your actions, the success or failure of each step along the way (that only you can control, do not allow a step the requires something from someone else!), then you are ready to begin working on your dreams.
Make a plan
1.Understand your why for the plan before you ever start. If you don’t know your why go HERE and read the post about how to find your why.
2. lay out each step from where you are today to accomplishing your goal. You may not know every step along the way but write down the steps that you do know. As you accomplish those steps I bet the next step in the process will become clear. Or you may realize that you went down a wrong path and have to back track and redo some steps differently than you thought. Either way, the next step will reveal itself while you are going down the correct path!
3. Make sure that each step only requires action from you. No one else!
Review plan regularly
I suggest reviewing your plan once a week, if not more often. For sure you need to review the plan after the completion of each step. This will allow you to keep the big picture in mind as you accomplish each step along the way. It will also allow you some time for reflection on the progress you have made, does the plan need to change at all or do you keep going down the path you are on. Take the time for reflection on what has been accomplished and make sure the next step needed hasn’t changed.
Measure progress, not how far you have to go
DO NOT MEASURE AGAINST THE END GOAL! Only measure against the progress you have made. Remember where you started and look at where you are today, then allow yourself to feel the accomplishment of making progress (no matter how small or large). This will help you to stay positive and motivated along the way.
Adjust plan
It is very likely that along the way your plan will need to be adjusted. You will have to back track and redo some steps. You wont hit the goal on the first try. But as you work on one goal and then the next, you are training your brain and habits to acclimate and acquire success. Do not get frustrated about the steps that need to get redone or the adjustments that need to be made along the way. They are part of the growth process for you personally so you are ready and prepared to receive the goal and benefit you have been working toward. Embrace the process.
Keep going
Don’t give up. Keep going. There are going to be hard days and days when you want to quit but please don’t. Get up shake it off and keep pursuing the goal that you have set. You will be a better person on the other side of this process. Even though it doesn’t feel positive in the moment these are the growing pains that are creating the future, better you. Don’t stunt your growth keep pushing, the pain wont last as long as you think, and there will be happiness on the other side.
You can go back to the main list or go to the next step

What Are You Going To Give Up?
Giving up is required for success and refusing to give up will lead to failure.
WHAT?
The average person in The United States has 62 hours left over in their week after work, sleep, and commute. That is equivalent to 1.5 full time jobs, but you don’t have extra time on your hands do you?
Have you ever considered that as humans, we fill every available moment in life with something? When was the last time you had “nothing” to do. You find something to do even if it is binge watching The Office for the 5th time on Netflix.
Let me ask you this, what was the last thing you tried to start? Did you complete it? I would guess that the last major project you attempted in your personal life ended with little to no change in your life. Why?
Because we are wired to fill every available moment.
The reason you failed is not your fault, it wasn’t that you did something wrong, it was that your schedule was full. It takes mental and physical energy to start, finish, and accomplish a goal. It also takes time. If there is no time available, then no amount of mental and physical energy will accomplish the goal.
When you are ready to start something new you must get rid of something you are already doing.
Why?
Reserves the time to work on the desired change – When you decide to give something up, that time is available to use for the new task.
Creates the mental space for our brain to work on the problem – The mental energy that was being taken up by the previous task is now available for the new task.
Prioritizes the new goal – You let go of something to make room for this goal, therefore, it needs to succeed so you didn’t give up something for nothing.
Repurposes time that is already scheduled – you have a routine and the more you can plug into that routine the higher your chance of success. Instead of fighting your routine use it to push you towards success.
You can hack your motivation in the short term – Giving up something will motivate you to accomplish the new thing and validate it as a good decision. You may be surprised at how much energy you have to act on the new goal.
Plugging in a new goal into old “time space” keeps the familiar routine and allows to make progress on new goals.
When you begin to use this method to purposefully direct your time, you will find greater success in the new things you start.
You can do it, you are worth it. Decide what you want and give something up today!
You can go back to the main list or go to the next step

Execute
Execution the simple action that drives progress and is so difficult to accomplish.
I hear talk of how busy people are and how hard it is to find the time to do everything, how difficult it is to execute.
The truth is everyone has the same amount of time in a day. Each person is choosing how to spend our days.
It is pretty disheartening to break down the average week:
8 Hours a sleep a night – 56 hours a week (almost no one gets this much sleep)
8 Hour a day 5X a week of Work – 40 hours a week (Most people work more than 8 a day)
2 Hour commute 5X a week – 10 hours a week
That totals 106 Hours a week. Do you know how many hours are in a week?
168
So you still have 62 hours a week to spend on things like family time, Family dinners, working your side hustle, etc.
62 hours a week that you say “I have a hard time finding the time to ….”
62 hours a week, that is the equivalent of 1.5 full time jobs.
Do you know the numbers for the average amount of time spent on watching TV each week? Do you want to know?
I am going to tell you anyway…
US adults spend about 6 hours a day watching TV, thats everyday of the week, so 42 hours a week. THATS A FULL TIME JOB!
These same adults spent an average of 38 minutes a day socializing. The “boob tube” really has taken over society. No wonder we are all sucked into the rabbit hole of the 24 hours news cycle and we have no idea how to talk to people anymore.
I digress.
For the average person 40+ hours of their week is spent on TV or some kind of video (DVR, YouTube, Hulu, Netflix, etc) So when you say “It’s so hard to find time for…” Just realize that you (very likely) are making a habitual choice to spend a full time job each week watching TV.
This leads into all kinds of other discussions, how can we deal with Stress in a healthy way, why do we feel the need to “relax” as much as we do, how can the culture recover from so little human interaction with one another. We may have already entered the post human contact age. But again, I digress, our focus here is execution and how can you accomplish it.
“Finding” the time to work on your plan, your side hustle, whatever – is a matter of making a conscious decision to work on it number 1. Then set aside time each day/week to work on it. KEEP that APPOINTMENT! Don’t allow the time to get away from you be religiously dogmatic about keeping that time holy and set apart for the purpose of reaching your goal!
To make it step by step – How to Execute
1. Make it a priority
2. Set aside time to work on the tasks needing to be accomplished
3. Even if the first few times you start to work on a task and you get nothing done, keep setting aside the time and keep working, it will get easier and easier as you and your brain adjust to the new schedule.
4. Keep showing up each day for the appointment
5. Watch as your actions begin to compound and your progress grows exponentially with each passing day.
6. Last thing to remember, consistency is key. If you do not set aside the time on a regular basis, you will not see results. Daily action is the best way to make progress!
Now go out and kill it!
You can go back to the main list

Have Patience
We all think we are patient.
That is until someone irritates us or makes us angry then the whole patience thing goes out the window because someone else or something else has given us the permission we need to let go!
The truth is that we can only control ourselves. No matter what anyone else does or what situation we are in we are still responsible for our own actions. It is always easier to place the blame or point the finger at something else that justifies why we have “lost” our patience.
The situations we face in life and the people we deal with are all things we cannot control. Success in life is not an overnight process. It is not something that just happens. Success requires work and a lot of it. Success requires pain and a lot of it. Success requires patience and lot of it.
Why patience?
Because you have to make a decision before you ever try to be successful and acknowledge that this process is going to take a while to complete. It is going to take some mistakes. There will be set backs and frustration. There will likely be failure.
But if you are patient and can look at the long term goal and keep going, having patience with yourself and allowing yourself to continue working with a level head in spite of everything that is screaming at you, then you have a much better chance of achieving your success.
We tend to think of success and breakthrough as these swift one moment in time actions. Almost like the military. The military breaks through a wall with a missle, thats what we tend to envision our breakthrough being. BANG – the wall is broken down and I am on into freedom, success, money, or whatever.
Most of the time the breakthrough you experience will be on the inside. It will be in the way you think. The interior of who you are can be a violently quiet place. The breakthroughs that happen there are not loud, or audible, the do not come with a massive shift or change externally like the picture of breaking through a wall.
These breakthroughs are quiet moments where you make a different decision than before and in that moment you are on a different path. This is where you need patience. Because those moments of change usually happen in the midst of a storm.
Massive life change doesn’t explode with a bang, often it simply comes into being with barely a whisper.
That whisper leads eventually to massive external change, but the breakthrough moment itself is a quiet whisper of strength that no one knows about.
Patience is required to wait for those moments of quiet strength because in those moments your life is changed and your success is ensured. `
You can go back to the main list or go to the next step

7 Steps to Breakthrough
Sometimes getting what we want can be difficult. We don’t know where to start, what steps to take, and we usually want it all right now. Here are 7 steps that I walk my clients through to help them accomplish their dreams. If you want to know more about a specific step, click on the title and it will take you to the blog post explaining that step in more detail.
I hope you find this useful and don’t forget to schedule your free coaching call at the top right-hand corner of the page.

You have to know what you want. Write it down, what is the breakthrough you want, in what area of your life do you want it? If you are not sure, take some time and think about the pain you are experiencing, what area of your life is it, relationships, career, kids, dating, etc
Now to write what you want, it must be in the present tense. Don’t say I could; I want, or I wish. Say “I am free” “I do the right thing” “I am a good friend” “ I do my job well” — make a strong, bold statement, this is your first exercise in bravery.
Saying something that doesn’t seem right makes you feel like a liar, but if you know it can be true, you are not a liar, you aren’t there yet.
So you face the future of what could be with bravery in spite of what you see today! BE BRAVE!
Knowing why you want something can be challenging to discover, and sometimes it takes some exploring.
Our Why can often be hiding under layers of chaotic thoughts, emotions, and just being busy. We have forgotten how to slow down.
Below is a tool I have used.
Make sure you are in a place where you are not going to be disturbed, and you can focus for at least 30–45 minutes. It may take you about 10 minutes to rest, relax, and calm your mind.
Take what you wrote down from the previous step, and ask yourself why?
Then ask it again. Why? Then ask it again. Why? You need to ask why over and over again, at least five times.
Each time you ask Why you go down another level to a more foundational motivation.
Oh, and it isn’t going to be easy.
.


This may seem like an obvious or unneeded step. However, it is always important to know where we start. If we do not know where we begin, we do not see how far we have come.
The first step was to know what we want in the future, a dream that is not yet a reality. This step is about writing down where we are today. You know what you want to change, but how does it look today before the change? How do you feel about the current reality? What emotions do you experience about this reality?
If you froze time right now, how would you answer these questions?
Write down in as much detail everything you can think of around these questions.
Our lives are full of craziness. We fill every free moment we have with something even if it is eating or watching TV. This fullness is why you fail at the things you try to add to your life; it is already full! You must prioritize and decide what is essential and what isn’t.
You have to decide what you are going to stop doing, so you can free up the time you need to start doing something else. What are you going to stop doing?
What thing(s) are you going to allow the sun to set on so you can have the free time to move forward?
What will you give up, so you can get that breakthrough!


Do you remember step 2? What was the last answer to why?
How can you accomplish that? Make sure that your answer is something you have complete control over. Your action needs to be something that doesn’t depend on anyone else.
What is the first step towards making that last why a reality? Then move onto the next level.
If you don’t have the next step right away, that is ok. Many times the previous step has to be completed before the next step becomes clear.
Do not give up!
Take it slow and easy. Build the plan from the bottom up. Meaning, make that foundational why from step 2 a reality, then move up and work on the next why.
This process does not happen overnight.
We are talking about lasting change, and in our minds, we picture breakthrough as a military action.
Someone is breaking through a wall, overcoming something massive.
But we are dealing with our interior, and our interior is a violently quiet place.
The breakthroughs that happen there are not often loud, or audible; they do not come with a massive shift externally in an instant as we picture it.
Internal breakthroughs are often quiet moments where we make a different decision than before, and at that moment, we are on a different path.
That path leads to external change, but the breakthrough moment was a whisper of strength that no one knows.


Now
- you know what you want
- you know why you want it,
- you have the time to execute it,
- you have the plan,
- you are ready for the long haul.
You now have everything you need to make what you want a reality!
It is not about being perfect. It is about action.
Taking the next step in the process. Moving forward, even when you are scared. Doing work when you are tired and don’t feel like it.
Keep what you want right in front of you and take the next step!
Some people need more help than others, but this is the exact process I take personal clients through when we are looking to change their lives.
Time is Your Only Resource
All of life involves time.
It is the only resource we have that is spent whether we decide to spend it or not. We do nothing, and will still spend our time on something.
We can use our time to acquire other resources
But time is the only real resource we have, and it is one of the equalizers for humanity. We all have the same amount of time each day and what we accomplish in life depends on what do with the time we have.
Why is time at such a premium? Why do we never seem to have enough of it? This article from the BBC sums it up quite well.
The summary is that we believe we have an infinite
We tend to increase our productivity by adding more tasks to our plate, and we look for ways to be able to handle more and more. The truth is there is a limit to human productivity.
The biggest limit of all, time.
We all have roughly the same amount of time each day, and there is only so much you can accomplish.
We try to increase our productivity by doing more, adding more tasks to our work load. But the truth about productivity is that we need to stop doing something so we can do a few things better. But to do something better, we need the time to do it well.
The questions we should be asking around our time, are not how can I get it all done. The question should be what do I need to be doing.
When I ask what do I need to be doing, then I can answer the question of where do I spend my time.
Instead of trying to do everything, figure out what you should/want to be doing, what are
Stop trying to be productive and decide to be valuable.
#1 Killer of Goals
The number 1 thing that kills your goals and keeps you from accomplishing them….diffused energy.
We spend a ton of time trying to be productive. (find another blog post about productivity here) We do more and more and more.
Meaning that we get less and less done. Because we only have so much energy, and when we spread that energy thin, across a multitude of actions, events, and efforts.
We get nowhere.
Our society supports the idea of being the jack of all trades. Many of the personality assessments have reinforced this idea unintentionally. By saying we need to get better at our weaknesses.
(I do not believe in this strategy, I think that we should focus on what we are good at, what comes naturally to us, and be great at those things. Then we use the community around us, the people we love and have a relationship with to fill the gaps where we are weak.)
And so our strengths never become great, we never live up to our potential because we are always focusing on the negative. Trying to improve an area where we are already weak.
Focusing on our weaknesses
Our small successes are hard fought, and it is challenging to string together victories fast enough to build any momentum in our lives and our thinking.
But if we clear out the clutter and focus on one goal at a time instead of every goal, we begin to look at our strengths and focus on the few skills we have inherently.
(instead of the numerous things we are not naturally good at)
We can begin to experience success and a feeling of accomplishment that will change our lives.
Diffused energy is the #1 killer of dreams and goals.
Focus on one goal at a time, then watch what happens!
Stopping is not Failure, Starting is not Success
We all have that one friend who prides themselves on never giving up. Everyone also has that friend who starts every new thing under the sun. Perhaps you are one of these people.
We have these ideas about stopping and starting that get ingrained in our thinking without even realizing it is happening. We are told to keep going; perseverance is a virtue, and if you stop then you are a quitter. We are determined to go for it and try that new thing.
We don’t like stopping. It feels like giving up on something. It feels like we are failing.
We love starting. Starting is a big reason we have a love affair with New Year’s Resolutions. It feels like we are moving forward and having success.
But neither one of these is true.
We love to start things…
Starting is not being successful. Starting
New Year’s Resolutions
Birthdays that mark another year of life
Starting a new job
Going to a new school
Starting a new degree plan
Moving to a new city to begin again
Starting a New Year’s Resolution feels like a change, we are doing something different. This year is going to be different, and I am going to be a better version of myself.
…until we stop.
But stopping a New Year’s Resolution doesn’t necessarily feel like a failure. Why?
Simply put, we are returning to what we know, back to what feels familiar, and what comfortably feels like ourselves.
In that case, stopping doesn’t feel like
How do we break this cycle?
It’s as easy as making one conscious decision: we are going to do one thing (the goal) every day, until those new actions, that new thing, becomes the familiar.
That new thing we have adjusted and corrected will eventually become a part of who we are and feel comfortable.
To many Changes Equals Failure
Another issue why we’re stopping what we start is trying to change more than one thing at a time. We try to make too many changes at once. To many changes at one time make our success exponentially harder to accomplish! And it makes our stopping feel like a much larger failure than it is. We are doing so many things at once, and when we stop we stop all of them. So we haven’t failed at one thing, we have failed at many.
Sometimes stopping is necessary, right, and beneficial, even when it feels like
And as the saying goes, “everywhere you go, there you are,” Which for those of us who do not understand cryptic proverbs, means your problems are your problems. You have them because of a weakness or lack of discipline within yourself. Of course, life throws a curve ball at times, but the majority of the time we are looking for a new beginning, to start something new, it is because we are not addressing something that needs to change within us.
If we are starting something new all the time, we may be running from something. There may be some personal development that needs to happen, and we are running from the pressure of that needed change.
So if you stop and consider, is there something you need to stop doing?
What is not essential and needs to drop from your routine so you can focus on what is truly important in your life?
Is there something you need to start? Some habit that you need to change, something you have been putting off, but you know needs to happen?
The challenge for you will be to follow through with this new change, doing the same thing each day until it feels comfortable.
Stopping is not
Remember, failure is not harmful, but that is another topic for another blog post.
Starting is not
Success is not an ending, but a starting point a foundation if you will, but this also is for another blog post.
What will you stop doing today?
What will you follow through on today?
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The Exits are Clearly Marked
Culturally we are all but obsessed with exits.
They are clearly marked for us, we often want to know if there is more than one way out, and we don’t even care where the exit takes us, as long as it is out.
There is an excellent reason for our intense need to know: safety.
We want everyone, including ourselves, to be safe. But sometimes this can be taken to an extreme.
Take the standard movie theater for example. You buy your ticket, go down a length (or maze for some of us) of hallway, cozy in your seat, and watch your movie. When it’s over, everyone else is using the main exit, but hey there are two other ones marked at the front of the theater. You might say to yourself, “I am going to be smart and exit there!”
It might as well take you to Mars because you end up on the backside of the theater with a pit full of rocks between you and the parking lot and no way except army-crawling over the rocks to get back to your car. But the important thing is you beat everyone else out of the theater!
This mindset continually overlaps into our daily lives. We always know our exit plan, how to get out, and for those times we don’t know our way out, we tend to get nervous. Like really nervous, uncomfortable, I-need-medication nervous.
We spend a significant amount of our mental and emotional energy figuring out the one or many ways to escape.
What’s my backup plan if I try to become an entrepreneur and it doesn’t work out? What if my job doesn’t work out? What if my marriage doesn’t work out? We find ourselves talking about these situations as if we have zero control over them, or as if they are happening TO us instead of us actively taking ownership and participating in our own lives.
The truth is we have a high level of control over our lives and what happens in them, but that takes work and stress and involves problems that need to be solved. It is far easier to check out, binge on the latest Netflix show, and avoid responsibility until you have to wake up the next morning.
This mindset keeps us from achieving our dreams, prevents us from turning our dreams into goals, and keeps us from turning our goals into our reality.
When we are always looking for the backup plan or for the way out, we are never
If you stay in the situation, the pressure, the stress and allow your mind to relax and stop focusing on what is bothering you, you might find a solution. Our ability to handle pressure and stress is like a muscle: the more we work it, the more we get comfortable with the pressure and the more we can control and the easier it is to work through the pressure.
You will learn to focus in spite of the stress and irritation.
When you relax into your situation and especially when you take ownership of it, you have the opportunity to find the solution to better our situation. Instead of this, however, you may find you are too often looking for the way out which leads to repeating the same situation because you’re not dealing with the common denominator for every situation in your life: YOU!
When we only look for the exit, we may be dooming ourselves to repeat the lesson we need to learn to succeed.
If you want to achieve success, when the stress becomes uncomfortable, find support from friends or family to encourage you as you go through the pressure instead of looking for the nearest exit.
*This article is in no way advocating dealing with a medically diagnosed condition or psychological trauma on your own. If you have a need or know you need help, please seek the advice of a licensed counselor, psychiatrist, or medical professional. This article is addressing the high level of comfort western citizens have become accustomed. If you are suicidal, depressed, dealing with deep trauma, or any similar situation DO NOT GO THROUGH THIS ALONE! Seek professional help immediately.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Success Means Tension
Success in many things, or perhaps in everything, has to do with our ability to live and perform under pressure.
We have questions about our future and goals we set to achieve in life. For some reason, however, when we say them out loud, things suddenly become difficult (or real!), and our default position is to get out of the pressure and move to a place where we can be more comfortable.
I’m here to tell you: Comfort is the enemy of all progress and success.
In Paulo Coelho’s book The Alchemist he writes, “When someone decides they want something, all of the universe conspires to give it to them.”
Realize the universe is not out to destroy us, it is trying to help us! Sometimes that means we need to change, mature, grow up, etc.
While certain pressure may be upon us to help us grow, that same pressure is what enables us to handle the circumstances involved in obtaining the thing we want.
Conversely, removing ourselves from the pressure is removing ourselves from pursuing the goal.
Goals often come with a new set of problems. We have to keep asking the same question until the problem is solved. Asking the same question with no answer in site causes tension and pressure to build up. But remember: this pressure and tension help motivate us to work until we find the solution!
Sometimes the tension we experience or carry is due to the goals we are working towards not being the right ones. We become tense when we realize we have been pursuing the wrong thing!
A paradigm shift could mean starting over.
A paradigm shift is a different kind of pressure but pressure all the same. We have to continually submit ourselves to the pressure and the possibility of starting over or altogether switching directions. A shifting path or belief can be scary to face.
Because life is not static, we do not stay on the same linear path. As a result of the path winding, there are times when our goals need to be adjusted, and there are times when our goals need to be completely thrown out, and we need to start over again.
Learn how to stay (and function) in the tension and pressure of life so you can be successful!
Are there circumstances or places you have avoided because of pressure? Is it an option go back there and get back into the pressure?
Remember: if you need an answer to a question, the best place to find a solution is in the middle of the pressure.