It’s funny how what kids do when they are young (which drives us nuts) is exactly what we need to do in order to answer the question “Why do you want…”
Knowing why we want something or why we are taking an action is important. It tells us what the bigger purpose is.
Humans almost always need a purpose larger than themselves in order to take meaningful action.
But why do we need something bigger than us?
Often meaningful change is painful and it takes a large amount of work. The time leading up to the change actually happening is filled with pressure and uncertainty. We are not sure if we are going to accomplish the goal.
Our culture trains us to exit pressure. We satisfy our pain with food or by purchasing more toys.
When I first got married, this is where I was. Trying to please my wife and make her happy by being the provider. It was what I had been told was the “proper” role for a husband. It didn’t lead to happiness, instead it lead to credit card debt and more stress. So I tried other business ideas, other side hustles, I had dreams of owning my own business and being super successful – IE having money and being happy.
Again, I was tying happiness to money and things. Then I had to face what I was avoiding the whole time.
Responsibility, I was responsible for me. That was the only thing I could control. I couldn’t control her happiness, I was not able to create it for her. I could only control me.
But I couldn’t take responsabliity until I understood why I was buying all the things for my wife. When I had that epiphany I was able to connect the dots and realize that I was acting in a unhealthy way. I had to deal with the emotions of what I had been doing, that I wasnt loving my wife, I was trying to buy her. I was treating her like an object or a thing that I owned.
I had to dig down through the layers of thoughts and emotions to figure out what was the root issue.
“But how do I do this” you might ask…you act like a child and ask..why?
Here is the process:
1. ask yourself “why” do I want X? ex. “I want to lose weight” Why? “I want to look good”
2. Now, ask why again. “I want to look good” Why? “I want people to like me” (notice the imperceptable lie, people dont like people who are overweight)
3. Now, ask why again. “I want people to like me” Why? “I want to have more friends”
4. Ask why again. “I want to have more friends” Why? “I feel alone”
5 Ask Why at least one more time “I feel alone” Why? “No one cares for me”
Now this is an extreme example, but it will get you down to a level of understanding about “why” you want something. It also helps you evaluate your why.
In the example the foundational why isn’t something that the person has control over. It is also a path that will leave you demotivated, depressed, and potentially believing lies about yourself. It is a downward spiral that is hard to pull out of mentally and emotionally.
You cannot control what other people think or feel or how they act. The only thing you can control is you. You need to find a why that you have complete control over.
Here is another example of the same process but staying with answers that you can control
“I want to lose weight” Why? “I want to look good”
“I want to look good” Why? “I want to take care of myself”
“I want to take care of myself” Why? “I am worth taking care of”
“I am worth taking care of” Why? “I am valuable”
“I am valuable” Why? “I have something to contribute and I cannot do it at my current weight”
This is an example of the same process but when we keep the answers to the things we can control (ourselves) all of a sudden we are excited, encouraged, uplifted. We are ready to go out and do something!
This is the effect you need to have when doing this exercise
This exercise may take you a little while to keep your answers to something you can control. My suggestion is to get somewhere quiet and set aside 45 minutes. You may not need all of that time, you may need more, but this is a good starting point.
It may take you 10-15 minutes to just calm your mind. Be patient and allow yourself to relax.
I also suggest you write down all of your answers. This will help you see your progress as well as get the last answer “out” of your head and make room for the next answer.
You can go back to the main list or go to the next step